A breakup is often never easy. Kasi kung naging madali ang breakup, ibigsabihin hindi naging totoo ang pagmamahal. At kung naging mahirap ang breakup, mas mahirap ang next stage, ang moving on.
Sabi nila, kung gaano ka kalalim or katindi nagmahal, ganoon din kahirap ang magiging moving on stage mo. The toughest ingredient of moving on is the pain. Everything boils down to pain. Which is the cause of loneliness, anxiety and sometimes, depression. The good news is, pain from a breakup is only temporary. Lilipas din. Mawawala. Mauubos. Gaano man kalalim ang pain na dulot sa’yo ng paghihiwalay, always remember that it is just part of the process. It is natural to feel pain. Most of the time, pain is the only factor that prevents us from being happy. Pero trust me, feeling the pain is a must on any breakup and will eventually be over, basta kapit ka lang.
Now, fast forward to the day na sa tingin mo okay na, hindi ka nagkakamali. If you feel that you are getting better and the heavy feeling is slowly diminishing, you are perfectly right. Wala namang ibang tao na makakapagsabi kung okay ka na nga ba talaga or hindi kundi ikaw lang din. Afterall, some of our feelings are just effects of our mindset.
So how will you know that you are actually and literally moving on from a painful breakup? Here’s how you can know:
1. WALA NG EFFECT ANG MGA SAD LOVE SONGS OR ANY LOVE SONGS – Noon, kada love song sa radyo ng jeep, may hugot ka. Feeling mo ‘yung bawat lyric ng kanta ay isinulat para sayo. Na dati, hindi mo naman pinapansin yung kantang yun, pero noong nagmu-move on ka na, suddenly, parang kinompose lahat ng songs para sa’yo. Normal ‘yan. Music is the language of love, and when that love ends, music also becomes a refuge. Malalaman mong you’re getting better na if dedma ka na kay Adele or Moira. Minsan, late reaction ka pa, kase nga, genuinely dedma ka na. Tipong maiisip mo, “hala iniyakan ko ‘yang song na yan noon ah, nagpe-play pala.”
2. WALA NG TRIGGER ANG MGA ‘ON THIS DAY’ AT TIMEHOP – Yung mga flashback apps na yan, minsan hindi healthy sa pagmu-move on. Kase usually, laman ng mga On This Day or Timehop mo are mga memories with your ex. Unfortunately, masasayang memories. Noong moving on ka pa, its either you don’t check them at all or you feel bitter and lonely after seeing the memories. Natural lang yun mumsh. Mainam naman kase si Facebook, when you change your relationship status from in-relationship to single, will notify you if you want to (assuming you are still FB friends with your ex):
Now, you’ll know that you’re getting okay if you see your ex from a Facebook memory and that didn’t stir any emotional feeling at all. Like, hindi ka na napapa-sad face whenever you see your photos together, whether sa pamumundok memory man yan or some random selfie from a random day. As in dedmadela. You feel happy nalang looking at those beautiful memories that happened without a touch of bitterness or regret.
3. LILIPAS NALANG ANG MGA DATING MEMORABLE DATES NA PARANG WALA NALANG – Dati, triggered si ikaw kapag araw ng monthsarry niyo or anniversarry. Tipong kapag alam mong malapit na ang araw na yun ng buwan, medyo panic mode ka pa kase baka balutin ka na naman ng kalungkutan at humanap ng tropa para magwalwal instead. But then, when things changed, and you feel like you are slowly recovering, yung mga dating important dates ng relationship niyo, do not bother at all you na. Monthsarry? Sus, may client meeting ako. Anniversarry? I’ll bring my pet to the vet. Birthday niya? Of course maalala mo pa rin yun at some point but now, you can greet him/her happy birthday na without longiness and without the need of becoming ampalaya. Kapag naitawid mo na ang mga dating important dates nang hindi ka nadedepress, you are getting there! Syempre minsan may mga araw from nakalipas na matindi ang effect sayo at baka hindi ka agad makaka-recover than ‘”normal”, its okay. Allow yourself to heal at your own phase. Wala namang deadline ang moving on. Walang exact formula that fits all.
4. YUNG MGA LUGAR KUNG SAAN KAYO NAGDE-DATE OR NAG-FIRST KISS OR TUMATAMBAY, “NORMAL” PLACES NALANG SILA NGAYON – McDo ba ‘yan? Tuktok ba ‘yan ng Mt. Pulag? Or sofa ba ‘yan ng condo mo? Yung mga places kase kung saan naganap ang mga masasayang memories niyo noon, triggers yan lahat. Habang nagmu-move on ka, you can still see yourself and your ex on that exact place talking or cuddling each other. Sabi pa ng isa kong friend na Paranormal Expert, when you breakup with someone and that person lived in your place and has left a lot of memories, try to literally get rid of his/her aura. Meaning, you can re-arrange your furnitures, buy new appliances or accesories, change the scent of your living room, put on new photo frames sa wall or totally change the wallpaint. That way, mas mabilis mawawala ang aura niya sa place mo. Ang hirap naman kase talagang mag-move on from somebody who lived with you then moved out. Yung eksenang for a certain period of time, lagi ka may kasama, then suddenly mag-isa ka ulit. Iniwan ka na nga emotionally, iniwan ka pa physically. Stress ‘yan. Pero you’ll get over it sooner or later. Pero now na you are finally becoming a strong and independent woman or man, those places do not bother you na. Mahilig ba kayo mag siomai sa LRT noon? No worries, nakaka-order ka na rin ng siomai (sometimes with rice pa) ng ikaw lang and you don’t remember him/her na. Nakakadaan ka na sa branch ng McDo or Jollibee or minsan kumakain doon at tumatambay ng mag-isa and its okay na. Wala ng reminiscing of the past na nangyayari. Yung iba na medyo extreme, binabalikan ang mga tourist destinations na pinuntahan nila with their exes, to override the memory. Okay din yun. At least, the memory that you have from that place will no longer be just the memory with your ex alone. Strong millennial ka eh! <3
5. MGA REGALONG HINDI NAIBALIK DURING BREAKUP, NAKITA MO ULIT AT GINAMIT MO NALANG AS IT IS INTENDED – During moving on, staple scene ang pagbabalik ng mga regalo from ex. Hindi lang regalo, minsan personal everyday stuff. Tipong ayaw mo kase siyang maalala ulit kaya lahat ng binigay niya or galing sa kanya, sinasauli mo, or tinatapon. Yung kahit alam mong important sayo at very helpful nung item na yun, ibabalik mo kase may pride ka pa and you dont want your ex to think that you are still using or at least appreciating that stuff he/she gave. But as you move on from bitterness, you soon realize that that stuff is just a stuff. Yung powerbank na hindi mo pala naibalik sa kanya, now is just a powerbank. Hindi na a token of sweet and meaningful device that can extend your battery life so you can still exchange kissing emojis on Facebook chat during a commute. Gets? Kumbaga, mas lumilitaw na ang practical you than emotional you. And its a big change! Tuloy mo lang.
6. GENUINELY DEDMA KA NA SA BAGO NIYANG PARTNER – Genuinely. Walang halong kahipokritohan. Walang char. Medyo advanced level na ito. Kase it requires you to genuinely feel happy for him/her na regardless kung mukhang labrador or mukhang title holder ng isang pageant yung bago niyang GF or BF, hindi ka na affected. Like hindi mo na rin kino-compare ang sarili mo sa bago niya because you have accepted the reality matagal na, na you two are not meant for each other to stay longer. Happy ka na, na happy na rin siya. Hindi mo na pinagdarasal na sana maging baog siya or tumandang dalaga or binata just because he/she have hurt you a lot in the past. Hindi na. Okay ka na. Kalmado ka na. Kase sure ka na kung anong klaseng individual ang bagay para sa iyo.
7. YOU CAN NOW BE FRIENDS AGAIN WITHOUT ANY AMOUNT OF NEGATIVE FEELING – Heto talaga pang professional level. Hindi ko alam kung ilan sa mga mag-ex ang nakakagawa nito. Pero kung nagagawa or nagawa mo na ito ng walang pag-iimbot, you deserve a standing ovation. When you finally reconciliated with your former lover and decided to have him/her back in your life as a friend, it’s a solid sign of maturity. Aminin natin, mahirap sa mag-ex ang maging friends during or after breakup. They need alone time separately. They need to heal in their own space and time. Yung iba, humahanap ng sasalo sa kanila to heal, yung iba naman strong enough to heal themselves. It’s part of the process. When you are broken, you would’t want a constant reminder of the person who hurt you or you have hurt with. That’s why you make all the effort to pick up the broken pieces one by one. What more pa kaya kung hindi lang reminder ang naeencounter mo, kundi siya mismo. Now that all bitterness and pain are going away, you slowly realize that its no problem having him/her around as a friend. Sabi nga nila, when a person left you as partner, he/she did not lose the love he/she had for you. That love just evolved into a different kind of love. Hindi ka naman talaga iniwan, pinalitan niya lang ang role niya sa buhay mo. Now, its up to you how are you gonna accept him/her in a different role. And it takes a lot of courage and forgiveness to have someone who hurt you, back in the pages of your life again. Its hard, but it possible. And from some people I know who have done this, it gave them a deep sense of peace of mind. At the end of the day kase, moving on is about forgiveness, forgiving yourself and the other person. Once you have mastered forgiveness, everything falls in their proper places. Na parang walang broken piece that were once there.
Gaya ng kung paano tayo nagmu-move on, iba-iba rin naman ang checklist at signs para masabi natin sa ating sarili na okay na tayo. Even psychologists agree that there is no exact formula of recovering from a breakup. There are steps and guidelines on how to cope up, but how you deal with moving on in a personal level, varies. But signs that you are becoming okay are most likely similar to what I have mentioned. On the other, if you feel like hindi mo pa nararanasan ang alin man sa mga ito, don’t take it badly. Like what I have said, moving on is painful yet meaningful process a person has to undergo and iba-iba tayo ng coping mechanism. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa.
Though you have to remember, that relationship is not a failure just because it ended. A relationship ended because both of you have changed your priorities and desires in life, and that change is usually for the better. If the your previous relationships have helped you grew as a person, then those relationships are a success in general.
Basta take your time. And take care of yourself and the people around who are still there to love you unconditionally.
Ikaw, what else are the signs that you think should be included here?